I Have a Problem..

I don’t really have a very organized way to say this, so I’ll just say it. I have a problem. The fact that it took me so long to figure out what it was exactly (to put it all together), makes me feel even worse for a reason I can’t quite explain.
I figured it out last week Monday when a certain episode of “Hoarders” came on at 11 p.m. In this particular episode (#9: Chris and Dale), a female name Chris began surrounding herself with possessions to fill in a void after losing her newborn son.
Once I saw that, not only could I no longer continue to watch the episode… but I also made a connection. With this, I figured out the reason as to why the left side of my bed is always covered in clutter, no matter what. My son passed away on the left side of the bed I now sleep in. The bed that used to belong to my Father… who also passed away on the left side of the bed.
I realize that no matter how many times I clean off that side of the bed, it will just pile right back up with clothing, books, stuffed animals, mail and other things I decide to throw on top of it all.

A few days after that night, I made another connection. This one seems even more sillier than the last, but bare with me. The name of the show is called “Hoarders”. I thought of my Chinese Astrological sign: The Dragon. Dragons are Hoarders too. They hoard Gold, but it’s still Hoarding none-the-less!
After figuring that out, I looked around my room again and figured this has to be the reason as to why I collect so many pens. Why I continue to buy sketchbooks when there’s so many I have yet to use. Why there’s a huge pile of Plastic grocery bags in one corner of my room…
Realizing this made me a little concerned for myself. If I’m already doing this, what else am I going to start keeping unconsciously? I don’t want my room to become a huge junk pile. I can barely move around as it is! Part of that is due to the fact that I have nowhere to put any of my things. Being that the room belonged to my Father before me, his stuff is still everywhere. So my things can only be placed upon the surface.

This is a problem. I need to seriously work it too before it gets any worse. Although I do know that what I’m doing in the near future will definitely help. *sigh* Damn my natural habits..

~ BoKo